Family Focus
 
LISTEN TO HER (AND HIM TOO)       Richard Carlson
 
If I had to pick a single suggestion that was designed to help virtually all relationships and family problems, it would be to become a better listener. And although a vast majority of us need a great deal of work in this area, I’d have to say that it’s us men who need it most!

Of the hundreds of women I’ve known over my lifetime, and the thousands I’ve spoken to through my work, a vast majority complain that a spouse, boyfriend, significant other, or father is a poor listener.
 
And most say that the slightest improvement in the quality of listening would be extremely well received and would undoubtedly make the relationship, regardless of the nature of the relationship, even better.
 
Listening is almost like a “magic pill” that is virtually guaranteed to produce results. It’s interesting to speak to couples who claim they have a loving relationship. In most cases, if you ask them the secret of their success, they will point to the other person’s ability to listen as one of the most significant factors that contributes to the quality of their relationship.
 
This is also true of positive father/daughter, as well as boyfriend/girlfriend, relationships.
Why, then, if the payback is so powerful and certain, do so few of us become good listeners? There are a few reasons that stick out in my mind.
 
First, as far as men are concerned, many of us feel that listening is a non-proactive solution. In other words, when we’re listening instead of jumping in, we don’t feel as though we’re doing anything. We feel we’re being too passive. It’s hard for us to accept the fact that the listening itself is the solution.

The way to overcome this particular hurdle is to begin to understand how much being listened to is valued by the people we love. When someone genuinely listens to us, it feels as though we are heard and loved.
 
It nourishes our spirits and makes us feel understood. On the other hand, when we don’t feel listened to, our hearts sink. We feel as though something is missing; we feel incomplete and dissatisfied.

The other major reason so few of us become good listeners is that we don’t realize how bad we really are! But, other than someone telling us about it or pointing it out to us in some way, how would we know?
 
Our poor listening skills become an invisible habit that we don’t even realize we have. And because we have so much company, our listening skills probably seem more than adequate – so we don’t give it much thought.

Determining how effective you are as a listener takes a great deal of honesty and humility. You have to be willing to quiet down and listen to yourself as you jump in and interrupt someone. Or you have to be a little more patient and observe yourself as you walk away, or begin thinking of something else, before the person you are speaking to has finished.